via lucia - psychosis

i hate your smell because i love it.
i tried last night to envision some other body in my bed
like a child from the clouds
or a man from my past
but none of them could keep me safe the way you do
and none of them could inspire in me this type of affection.
and now, i feel like the face bilbo baggins makes
when he sees the thing he for so many years called his precious
and knows that it has aged him and made him vulnerable,
desperate.
i want to let go of all the pain that is aging me and nauseating me,
so that i can love you like you deserve.
more than that, i want to feel the wholeness i once took for granted
because i value it so much now that it is gone.
and if my body can, for just a few minutes, feel healthy again,
maybe i will breathe fresh air
and forget that i feel like i'm dying.
and if that doesn't work, then maybe i will bleed fresh blood
and feel alive again.