via deitra- steal my shoes

my james bond left me, left me for med school in dc. thinking that filling his days with cadavers would somehow... do something for his head.
he left me, his radio playing some sad old song, or maybe it was new and upbeat. it just sounded sad to me, watching him drive away.
he hardly kissed me before he left. just a passionless brush of his lips past mine, wiping his mouth on me like i was his napkin. i did not even have the energy to protest.

i think about those last-minutes goodbye things now, trapped in some kind of in-between world, where i see myself as someone else, some random act of gossip. wondering what i could have done to make him stay. wondering if he’ll come back for me. or if he found someone there. how could he not? every girl wants a james bond.

it was like some bullshit story-tale, of a girl, passed over one too many times (that’s you). you are the girl, for all intensive purposes of this tale.

once upon a time, there was a girl (remember, you are “the girl”). you stare at a boy. he’s too good to be true. he does not know you. but you are friends of friends, twice removed. eventually, he learns your name. you become friends, of the first degree. this goes on for years. then, he picks you. and for one second, you feel lucky, that this enigma notices you . that he picks you. not the only one he picked. but you go un-chosen for so long, you just don’t care. you become willing to share a little. to not care that he speaks about the other girl when he’s with you. you don’t mind talking about her problems, about that poor confused girl. until you wonder, one day, if they’re talking about you that same way.
so you cut him off. you stop showing up for lunch, and you don’t take his calls.
then, you finally let go of the toxic anger. it’s taking too much of your strength to try and feel scorned.
you rebuild. you become closer than ever. with no ulterior motive.
the boy takes you all over the world with him. you meet his new girlfriend, who works for the german government. he takes you to a villa, somewhere in italy. it’s beautiful, and you share a bed, without waiting for something to happen. because neither of you want things that way anymore.
it becomes a comfortable thing, to be around the boy. because he knows all of you. every aspect of your personality. he knows “the tone”, and he can tell you why all of your boyfriends were dicks, and exactly why it would not work out. and you think about it and agree with him.

your mother asks why you and the boy are not together, and you tell her it’s just not “that way”. she shrugs and gives you a whatever. she never believes you.

you visit him with your new boyfriend (yes, you have one now.) they get along great. you almost start to feel left out. but eventually you and the boy fall in to the old swing of things. the three of you close the bar, as your boyfriend listens to you two talk about all the things you’ve done together.
when the time comes to leave, you forget who to go home with. your boyfriend tugs your arm, as you head off in the wrong direction. with the boy.

you start noticing all the things that your boyfriend does not do that the boy does. all the ways the boy would listen to you, where your boyfriend just let’s his eyes glaze over.
you start to ask yourself the question your mother has asked you all along” why AREN’T the girl and the boy together?!
you figure your getting uncomfortable that you are in a committed relationship for once. you forget about your feelings for the boy.

the boy gets anxious to travel. he asks you to go. you say of course (you need a vacation). he takes you somewhere warm with him. it’s the most fun you’ve had in a while.
you and the boy sit on the beach one night. and the boy says he’s tired of playing this game.
the boy wants you to be his.
you feel like you’ve swallowed a nine volt battery. your body feels electrified.
you tell him you need a little time.
but by the flight home, you’ve decided.

you get home, and say goodbye to your boyfriend. it hurts, but what comes next, you know will make it better.

you and the boy are together.
everyone wonders what took so long.
you and the boy find a cheap apartment in the city. it’s a hovel, but you never notice.
you’ve got what you need.

and it’s so good.

but the boy is so smart. and he has so much potential.
he gets restless doing the same old thing.
he decides he needs to do something more.
he starts to tutor kids.
and volunteer at clinics.
he loves it.
he wants more.

he applies to med school.
he does not tell you.
he gets accepted.
to a school that’s close.
but not close enough to commute.
he needs to move to washington dc.

he tells you on your birthday.
you tell him you are proud of him.
you smile and ask him when you two leave, that you need to give notice at work.
he tells you he needs to concentrate on him.
he tells you he needs to go by himself.

you try to calculate the probability of dying on your birthday.

he leaves three weeks later.
he packs up his old beat up car. the one he’s had since you’ve known him.
you stand by the curb, and you think how much a cliché you must look like.

he walks over to you. and he brushes his lips past yours.
like a napkin.

he says goodbye, and you can see that he’s excited to go.
to start over with something that’s just his.

you watch him drive away.

you decide to just let go. start it all over.
rent, work, and try to forget.

what can you do to make him stay?